How Do I Know If I'm A Lesbian?
By Kori Ashton
1. I have sexual attraction to other girls.
Does that make me a lesbian?
Be sure not to jump to conclusions. If you think a girl is pretty
because she dresses well or because you admire some of her qualities,
that's normal. If you notice her body and wish that yours looked
like that, give your body some time. God creates us in all different
shapes and sizes. He thinks you're perfect just like you are. Thinking
thoughts like this doesn't necessarily mean you're a lesbian.
2. How do I know if I am a lesbian?
Read the answer above first. But if you still find yourself wanting
to experience another female sexually, you need to be aware of your
options. Making that choice, especially at an early age, may limit
your sexual identity. Realize that your body is changing and with
time your desires will too. Acting on those feelings too early will
only lead you to the answer that you are designed as a sexual person.
All of us are! God designed us that way so that we would be able
to share that intimacy with our one life partner in marriage. Experiencing
a sensual touch or a first kiss with the same sex, will tell you
this - your body is designed to respond.
If, as you get older, you find yourself still attracted to the same
sex, safely explore those feelings by dating women who share your
same values and morals in a healthy environment. (See Kori’s
article on Dating 101) Talking to a counselor or local GLBT support
group either at your school or in your community is a great way
to learn more as well.
 3.
I kissed another girl and I liked it. What does that mean?
Most teens going through puberty have the desire to experiment with
the same sex. This is normal. What you need to know is that your
body will respond to any type of sexual activity. You're body doesn't
know if a boy or a girl is touching it. It just responds to a pleasurable
feeling. Again enjoying this type of physical contact doesn’t
necessarily mean that you are a lesbian. There’s no need to
rush to have sex to “find out” if you’re a lesbian
or not. Do what feels natural to you.
Be cautious about experimenting physically with any relationship,
heterosexual or homosexual. Always use protection and get tested
regularly if you become sexually active. We encourage you to keep
your physical activity to a minimal until you are in a committed,
loving marriage. (We can get married just like heterosexuals.)
4. I want attention from other girls.
It's great to want to hang out with the girls and be friends with
them. Wanting to be affirmed by our peers is natural. Sometimes
these feelings are just our way of needing a positive response from
the same sex. Ask yourself why you want the attention? Is it just
to gain approval or is it simply the desire to have female bonding?
Maybe your mom doesn't pay much attention to you at home and you
want a role model. Female bonding can take place without sexual
activity. Wanting attention from other girls does not make you gay.
But if the attention you desire is sexual, you might want to talk
to a counselor or teacher before you act on it. Weighing your options
and learning the facts about same gender sex would be a smart step
for you.
5. I was sexually abused as a little girl, and now I hate
men.
Abuse is nothing anyone should have to deal with. If someone has
hurt you or taken advantage of you in a sexual way you should find
someone you feel comfortable to tell like an adult or counselor
at your church or school. They will help you work through your emotions
and help explain what you are feeling.
Did you know that NOT wanting sexual attention after abuse is natural?
No one wants to get hurt again. While you may feel that you hate
men and that all men are "dogs," know that there are guys
out there that will treat you Right and with Respect. They understand
the word "No!" and would not take advantage of the boundaries
that you set.
Don’t jump to conclusions about your sexuality
based on tragedy. Give yourself time to heal and see how your heart
feels once you’ve gained a healthy perspective on physical
attention.
6. I feel more like a "tomboy".
I don't like girly stuff.
Growing up and liking sports and hanging out with the guys, doesn't
mean that you are questioning your sexuality. It means you're probably
a good athlete! Everyone likes something different. Some people
like cars, some like trucks. Some people like blueberry pop-tarts
and others prefer strawberry. Being different is what makes you
unique. If every female in the world was "girly" can you
imagine how pink the world would be? The things you like are important
and will be interesting to others too. Be yourself. Rock climbing
is just as cool as Shopping!
7. Other kids call me names like "dyke"
and "les."
It's true that kids can be cruel and pre-judge you by the way you
walk or talk. These types of words can be very hurtful. Understand
that they are making those comments usually out of their own insecurities
and out of a lack of knowing you. Don't let their ignorance define
who you are or determine who you want to become. Be yourself! There
are people around you that value you. These are the ones that matter.
God Himself created you and says that you mean everything to Him.
So when people say mean things to you, learn not to compromise who
you are by striking back. Being cruel in return doesn't solve anything.
Find a local GLBT support group either at your school
or in your community for direct support and encouragement.
8. If I'm not with girls does that mean I
have to have a boyfriend?
For a lot of teens the fear of being alone is overwhelming at times.
The peer pressure of not having a date or not being popular with
the guys in the school is very hard to handle. But if you don't
feel like you are ready to date, don't rush it. Slow down and develop
healthy, non sexual relationships with guys and girls. You can hang
out in groups. Find some others in your school or youth group that
feel the same way you.
Don't worry, being straight or gay doesn't mean you
have to prove it. Be patient and realize that you will experience
a relationship when your heart feels ready.
9. Am I normal?
Lesbianism is normal to lesbians. Same sex attraction is as natural
to gay people as water is to fish. You wouldn’t dream of telling
a heterosexual to stop being attracted to the opposite sex. It's
normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you're gay or straight.
What's really important is learning to love yourself and challenging
yourself to become a better person each day.
10. Will God Still Love Me?
God’s love is unconditional!! He longs to have a relationship
with us. He designed you and knows your intimate most thoughts.
Never doubt His love for you. Never allow anyone to tell you that
you are not good enough for Him. He loves you just as you are! (Read
Kori's article on God’s Unconditional Love!)
11. Who should I tell?
“Coming Out” can be a very challenging situation. Accepting
yourself and your sexuality is a personal journey that might take
years. If you come to the decision that you want to share your sexuality
with someone, choose a close friend or guidance counselor, a social
worker or local LGBT support group. You might lose friends or find
that your family is not supportive, but start slow and realize that
there are people out there who will understand and love you through
your journey.
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REPRODUCE © 2008, Kori Ashton Postell
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